SDS 428: The Internal Conflict Model

(00:15):
Welcome back to the SuperDataScience podcast everybody. Super excited to have you back here on the show. Today’s episode is something that I’ve been pondering for the past few months, and it’s really impacted my life. I wanted to share it with you. Maybe you will get some value out of it too. So, the book that gave rise to this is called The Ever-Transcending Spirit, and the subtitle is The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development. It’s by Toru Sato, and it has been very interesting to read for me. I haven’t read the whole book yet, but even, it’s a small book, but even the first couple of chapters have been very transformational. Now, don’t worry, this is, even though it’s got the ever-transcending spirit in the title, it’s a book about understanding yourself. It’s not about any religious things or anything like that. It’s just about psychology, understanding yourself. And in fact, it was recommended to me by a psychologist.

(01:23):
So, what is the main thing here that I wanted to share? There’s a lot of insights in the book, but this one particular one really transformed or was like a, what is it called, a threshold concept. Something that once you know, you can’t un-know, and it helped me better see situations when I am feeling some sort of negative emotion, like I’m upset, I’m disappointed, I’m sad about something, things like that. So, how does this internal conflict model go? Well, basically it states that reality is reality, but what matters to individuals is your perception of reality. So nobody can come up to you and just make you unhappy or make you sad or make you disappointed. Those are all internal feelings that come up as a consequence of some external stimuli, but ultimately it is something that is internal. 

(02:29):
So, regardless of the external stimuli, you can train yourself. You can be so aware of yourself and of the world around you that you can choose, ultimately, you can choose your response, whether it’s a positive, negative, or neutral. We don’t have to always fall into these patterns or into these states where we’re upset or we’re disappointed about something. Ultimately, even though it might be hard to believe, ultimately, it is a choice that we make. Sometimes it happens quickly and we fall into that state, but then it’s a choice, do we stay in that state or not? And so this part, the internal conflict model, it explains why do we react positively, in a happy way, negatively, in an upset or sad way to certain things, or why are we neutral about certain things. 

(03:25):
So, it all comes down to perception of reality. Imagine a box, a horizontal rectangle. That box contains reality, and there’s two parts to reality. One is your expectation, or my expectation of reality. That we’ll put in the left corner or in the left side of this horizontal rectangle. On the right side of the horizontal rectangle, you have reality, basically what has, is, or could happen. So the whole box, just to clarify, that was a bit confusing. The whole box is reality. On the left, you have my expectation of reality. On the right you have what has is, or could happen. 

(04:09):
And when those two things are equal, when you can put an equal sign between them, then you don’t have internal conflict. You’re just calm. You just, most cases don’t even notice that something’s going on, that there is this reality of something happening. And we’ll look at an example just now, but basically when reality meets your expectations, this is what it boils down to. When reality meets your expectations, whether it was in the past, in the present, or in the future, there is no internal conflict. On the other hand, if you cannot put an equal sign between them, if there’s a division between the two, between the left and the right, when your expectation is not met by reality, then there’s internal conflict and that leads to anxiety. 

(04:56):
So for instance, this could be applied to the past, present, or future. So for instance, right now, or at any point in time, you could be thinking, “Oh gosh, I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t,” or, “I should have done this thing at work, or in a relationship, or wherever else. I should have done this differently.” So in that case, your expectation of what should have happened is different to what actually happened, and thereby, you have this internal conflict. That is the definition of internal conflict. What should have happened in your expectations, is different to what happened and thereby you have anxiety. You’re worrying about the past, reminiscing. You might have regret. 

(05:38):
On the other hand, if you are thinking about the present, right, for instance, “Why am I in this situation? I don’t want to be in this situation. How do I get out of the situation?” Or, “I don’t like what is going on around me.” Then, your expectation of the present, for instance, you’d rather be doing something else. You’d rather be working on some other project, or at some other company, or spending your time with some other people, or spend time without, by yourself, or something like that. Then, your expectation of the present is different to what is happening around you, and thereby again, you are experiencing internal conflict, and thereby anxiety. 

(06:21):
And finally, you could be thinking about the future. For instance, you’re expecting that you would complete a project by a certain date, or you’re expecting that you will be a millionaire, or you’re expecting that you will have… Be able to go to a restaurant for dinner tonight, or maybe you’re expecting that there will be hot water, but reality is indicating that something different is going to happen, that you won’t finish this project on time. You probably won’t become a millionaire. You probably won’t be able to go to the restaurant. You probably won’t have hot water, or whatever else. 

(07:05):
You can see that it’s unlikely to happen, and thereby your expectations are not going to be met in the future. You’re worrying about the future. You have a conflict and you have an internal conflict about the future. You’re worried about it. You have anxiety. So it can be past, present, or future, and always, so pretty much, any situation where you feel, I’m sad or upset or disappointed about the past, present, or future. That comes from an internal conflict because expectations do not match up to what is reality, or what was reality, or what reality will be. 

(07:39):
And there’s only two ways, according to the book, there’s only two ways to reduce anxiety. One is to take control of everything and make your expectations come true, right. Take control of the situation around you, of the people around you, the weather, the world. Take full control of everything and make it so that what you want will happen. Then, reality will bend to your expectations and you will effectively, it will meet your expectations. You will have an equal sign there and thereby you won’t have this internal conflict anymore. You won’t feel anxiety. 

(08:24):
How often are we successful at that? How often are we able to control things around us? Sometimes we can, but in most cases, we cannot. In most cases, the second thing happens. In most cases, reality beats our expectations down into the ground and just tramples them, and reality wins. 

(08:48):
So the second approach, the second way of reducing anxiety, is just to accept whatever happens, to let go of any expectations and accept the reality that is around us. In that way, you let go of your expectations, you accept reality, and reality becomes your expectations. So you actually start expecting what is reality. You’re accepting reality, and thereby, again, you have an equal sign, you have no conflict and you don’t have anxiety. 

(09:19):
So those two approaches are radically different. On one hand, you have control, and one other hand, you have acceptance. In terms of acceptance, think of a Buddhist monk who accepts absolutely everything. They don’t worry about what they will be eating tonight. They don’t worry about what happened in the past. They don’t worry about what is going on around them in the present. There could be a war, they could be in a very uncomfortable situation, could be experiencing a lot of pain, but ultimately, Buddhist monks are able in their path, and I’ve heard stories of that, are able to get into a state where they don’t worry about anything, don’t have any expectations. Thereby, they don’t worry, thereby they don’t feel anxiety, don’t feel stress. They can feel pain, but they don’t feel those internal conflicts because they accept the reality around them as it is. 

(10:13):
On the other hand, you can go the other way, right, you can go into the control area. I was thinking for a while about an example of that everybody could relate to, or most people could relate to, of a person that is totally in the control area. And the example I thought of is Monica from Friends. So Monica, in the TV show, if you haven’t seen Friends, the total control freak, for instance, here are some quotes from her. 

(10:42):
“We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes,” right. She’s controlling when they’re supposed to start having fun as a group. Another quote is, “You don’t tell me what to do, I tell you what to do.” She’s controlling what people do. And finally, a really quote from her is, “Rules are good. Rules help control the fun,” right. So she needs, she likes rules to help control the fun. So, on the flip side of the scale, right, so you can imagine a axis from left. On the very far left, you have Monica for total control and on the far right, you have a Buddhist monk with a their total acceptance. 

(11:25):
So we all fall somewhere in that scale, right. So unfortunately, we’re mortals. We’re mere mortals. We’re not Buddhist monks. We live in a world where it is possible, but it’s really hard to just come to full acceptance with absolutely everything. We have desires. We have ambitions. We have goals. So thereby, unless it’s your goal, unless it’s your, unless you want to become Buddhist monk and go live somewhere in mountains, it’s probably going to be very hard to just accept everything around you and never try to control anything, because it’ll be quite impossible to just… Or if you have desires, it will be hard to go off to them. So don’t worry if you’re not fully accepting absolutely everything. It’s just important to be aware where are you on the scale. Are you on the, more on the left, as in you’re more… If you divide it into four parts, are you very controlling, are you somewhat controlling, or a bit accepting, you more accepting, a little bit controlling, or are you mostly accepting of things around you? 

(12:32):
And it’s kind of like a balance, right, so you want… I’m not a psychologist. This is probably, I’m not, I don’t want to provide advice, but for myself, I want to be able to accept most things, and control some things in my life, and accomplish that, remove internal conflict that way, right. Ideally, I would love to accept absolutely everything. Maybe one day I will go on a soul-searching path down that direction, but ultimately, for now, a mix of acceptance, mostly acceptance and some control, would be good. I know I’m nowhere near that. I’m more controlling than accepting. I know that about myself, but I want to go in that direction. 

(13:16):
So that’s where all internal conflict, according to this theory, comes from. It’s very helpful, and to, I found it very helpful for me to even look at situations that happened around me. For instance, what if your laptop breaks and you need it for work? Well, you’re irritated, frustrated, angry. Why? Not because your laptop is broken or because it’s just an event that happened in the world. You’re upset, angry, or unhappy because your expectation was that you will have a working laptop, but you no longer have a working laptop, and so reality doesn’t match expectations. Thereby comes the internal conflict. 

(14:00):
Another example is you are sick, but you want to be healthy, right. So reality doesn’t match expectation. You want to be healthy, but you’re sick, and that’s why you are upset or sad or unhappy. If you wanted to be sick and you were sick, you wouldn’t be upset or sad or happy. Then you would be satisfied. You wouldn’t have any conflicts. You would be feeling, “Yeah, okay, I’m sick, but that’s what I wanted.” Right. We rarely want that. I don’t think we ever want that, but it’s just an example that it’s not the sickness that makes us unhappy, it’s the mismatch, or the inequality between reality and our expectations, that we can’t put an equal sign there, so we’re unhappy. 

(14:41):
Another example, you’re driving somewhere and you get a flat tire, but you don’t want a flat tire. You want to be driving. You want to be going where you were going. You need to be going where you were going. You have a desire to be moving in a certain direction, but this flat tire is the reality, so, reality doesn’t match your expectations. If you wanted a flat tire, for instance, imagine you’re going somewhere where you don’t want to be going, where you were told to go there to deliver something, or you’re going there because you agreed to that out of guilt or something. You’re just looking for an excuse not to go there. Then, a flat tire is going to be like a miracle for you, because then you have an excuse not to go there. So in that case, you’d be happy about a flat tire because it would be beneficial. 

(15:31):
In this case, you’re unhappy. Again, it’s not about what is happening in the world, it’s about our perception of the world, and depending on our perception, it’s the same situation can lead to unhappiness or sadness or anger, frustration, irritation, and all these negative things, or it can lead to positive feelings. 

(15:54):
Another example is you booked a holiday, but it got canceled. Your expectation was you were going to go on a holiday, but it got canceled, so now you’re not going. So reality is not matching or in the future, reality will not match what you were expecting it to be in the future, so you are feeling probably frustrated. 

(16:15):
Another example is you have feelings for somebody, but they don’t have feelings for you. There, your expectation, most likely, in most cases, when we have feelings for someone, our expectation is that they will have feelings back for us. So we have an expectation around that, and they don’t have those feelings back for us, so then, we’re upset. We’re disappointed. We’re sad, not because they don’t have feelings for us, but because reality didn’t match our expectations. 

(16:46):
That’s where the unconditional love idea comes from, where you love somebody without any expectations. You don’t even expect them to love you back. That’s unconditional love. You don’t have an expectation of how they will feel towards you, whether they love you or hate you, it doesn’t matter. So you will never get disappointed, you’ll never get sad and you don’t get upset. That’s another interesting example. 

(17:09):
Another example is a project at work didn’t go well, but you wanted it to go well, as you are honest, and you’re genuinely doing your job well, you wanted it to go really well, but it didn’t go well. So now you’re upset, sad, or angry or frustrated. But again, it’s not because the project didn’t go well, it’s because reality isn’t matching expectations. If you genuinely didn’t want the project to go well, and there are some situations when that happens for people, for instance, when they want to get fired, they want to, I don’t know, for some reason, maybe they don’t have the courage to quit, or maybe they will get a big bonus if they get fired. In case of executives, sometimes that happens. You want the project to fail so you will get fired, for whatever reason. Well, in that case, you’re going to be happy about the project failing. You’re going to be… That was your expectation. You’re going to be content, or even… That was what you desired, right. And you’re going to be, it’s going to be a beneficial outcome for you, so you’re not going to be upset about that. 

(18:12):
So, yeah. So that’s the internal conflict model. And the interesting thing is that it works both ways. It works not just for being unhappy, it also works for being happy too. Yeah, happy too. So for positive emotions, we experience positive emotions like excitement, happiness, many of the, not all positive. You can experience joy, for instance, just by existing, like a Buddhist monk probably can experience this joy existing, but let’s talk about excitement, for instance. We get excited when reality is better than what we were expecting, right. So in those cases, we feel excited. 

(18:49):
A great example, a great study that was done is about Olympic medalist, specifically bronze and silver medalists. And in this study, the levels of happiness of bronze and silver Olympic medalists were measured, and it turns out that bronze medalists are generally happier after their respective events are over, they’re generally happier than silver medalists. How could that be? A silver medal is higher-ranked than a bronze medal. But how can a bronze medalist be happier, on average, than a silver medalist? 

(19:30):
Well, the reason for that is the silver medalist is looking at what they didn’t get. They’re looking at they were so close to gold, they could have had the gold metal, but they didn’t. Somebody out bested them, outsmarted them. Somebody got the gold medal. They didn’t. So their expectation of themselves, of reality, was that, “I will get a gold medal.” They ended up with a silver medal, so their expectation of reality is lower, sorry, their reality delivers something that is lower than their expectation, so in general, they are disappointed, somewhat. They’re still happy to have a metal, yes, but they’re a bit disappointed they didn’t get the gold. 

(20:11):
On the other hand, a bronze medalist, for them, the perception is different. The perception is not gold. They don’t even, at that point, they’re like, “Okay, so,” they’re just happy to have a metal. For them, the perception is, “Well, I could have not had a metal at all. I made it. I got a bronze medal.” So they were fighting for fourth place versus third place. Fourth place doesn’t get any metal. Third place gets a metal. So they could have ended up in fourth place and had nothing. They ended up in third place and got an Olympic medal. Even though it’s bronze, it’s better than nothing, completely, no metal. So, their perception is that… Their expectation was that, “I might not get a metal at all,” but reality delivered that they got a bronze metal. So for them reality delivered something that’s greater than their expectation, and hence, they are excited. They are happy about it, right. So that’s a real study that was done on Olympic medalists, and interestingly bronze medalists generally tend to be happier than silver medalists. 

(21:20):
So, yeah. So, that’s how this model works. To finish off, I would like to invite you to do a quick mental experiment with me. Please take a breath. It doesn’t have to be a deep breath. It’s not a meditation exercise or yoga. Just a normal breath. How do you feel about taking that breath? Did you feel super upset and sad and frustrated, irritated? Probably not. On the other hand, did you feel super excited? Did you jump out of your seat, if you’re sitting down, or did you, I don’t know, yell out of excitement for taking that breath of air? Probably not, as well. Probably, you just felt neutral about it. 

(22:01):
So, now imagine that you are taken from wherever you are to the most polluted place on this planet. Most polluted place in terms of air on this planet, like a very busy industrial area of a huge city with lots of factories, with lots of smog in the air. The air is terrible, barely breathable. Imagine if you took a breath of air there, for the first time, right now. How would you feel? You probably would feel bad. You probably would feel irritated, frustrated, sad, unhappy, scared, angry. Why is that? Well, because, how can we apply the internal conflict model here? Well, the way to applied here is that we have an underlying expectation that we don’t even think about, that we should have access to clean air, to clean fresh air, depending of course, on where you live, but to some level, of decent air, we should be able to have access to. We’ve grown through living at that same place where we are now, where you are now, where I am now, wherever we are now. 

(23:17):
Being there for several months or years, we’ve grown to expectation that we will be breathing that quality of air and chances are, it’s better than the most polluted air on the planet. And as soon as we take a breath of that terrible polluted air, what happens is reality no longer meets our expectations. So before, when you took a breath of air, reality met your expectations. So you expected to take a breath of that quality of air, and you were taking a breath of that quality of air. So you weren’t upset or happy about that. But now, when you take a breath of this polluted air, reality, polluted air, doesn’t meet your expectations, which is air from your hometown or from wherever you’re used to breathing air. The air is worse, reality is worse than your expectations, and thereby you feel angry, upset, frustrated, irritated. 

(24:07):
Then what happens over time is an interesting thing. Over time, if you keep staying in that polluted area for weeks, months, people live there, people can survive there, you get used to it, and your reality basically, displaces that previous expectation you had, and you forget about it, right. Over time, reality takes over, and now you have a new expectation. Now you have a new expectation that you’re breathing this terrible air, but you kind of, that’s how you live life. So you adapt. You have a new expectation that you’re going to be breathing terrible air, and that’s what is happening. So reality matches expectations. You’re neither happy, nor sad about it. 

(24:49):
And now imagine from there, you’re taken with a magic portal to one of the most serene places on planet Earth, a forest somewhere in South America, in the Andes mountains, where the air is super fresh and amazing. And you, for the first time, after six months of the polluted air, take a breath of fresh, beautiful air. How are you going to feel about that? You’re probably going to jump with excitement. You’re going to be super happy. You’re going to be fascinated. You’re going to be loving it. 

(25:22):
Why is that? Again, because there’s an internal conflict. Even though it’s a positive outcome and a positive feeling, there is an internal conflict that creates it. And the internal conflict is that your expectation is that you are going to be breathing, your next breath of air is going to be this terrible polluted air, but you just breathed in this beautiful, lovely, fresh, crisp air and feels, it’s like, it just filling your lungs, and it’s so amazing. Just imagine that. And so what happens is your expectation of breathing bad air doesn’t meet reality, which is breathing good, fresh air. So reality is much better than your expectation. So as a result, there’s an internal conflict and you feel excitement. And yeah, that’s pretty much it. 

(26:18):
It’s another form of emotional arousal. So, whether you feel sadness, anger, anxiety, or other feelings as emotional arousal, it’s negative. Excitement is another form of emotional arousal. It’s positive, but also requires an internal conflict to happen. And then what happens? Well, you stay in those mountains and breathe that air for a day, a week, a month, three, six. After six months, for sure, you’re not even going to think about it. You’re not even going to be excited. You’re not going to be surprised. You’re not going to be loving it like the first time you took that breath of air after the polluted city in these mountains. Why is that? Well, because, over time, reality takes over. It’s going to displace that old expectation you had about breathing poor quality, bad air, and you’re going to have a new expectation develop in your subconscious that you are now breathing beautiful, clean air. 

(27:19):
And so, that’s going to be your expectation and it is going to be meeting reality, so basically you will have accepted reality as it is, that you have clean and fresh air. And from there, you’re going to feel content. You’re not even going to think about it. You’re going to feel like, “Okay, well I’m breathing air.” It’s not even going to cross your mind. And thereby, there’s no internal conflict and reality equals your expectation, and thereby you feel just content. 

(27:49):
So that’s how this whole model works. Very interesting, this example of the air. Something we don’t think about, that we have this expectation in the background, but it can, depending on the place we’re put in, whether reality is better or worse, that will cause emotional arousal, whether it’s a positive or negative. But the interesting thing to remember here is that any kind of positive or negative feelings that you have actually come from this internal conflict model. They don’t come because reality does it to us. They come because our perception of reality is such that either our expectations are below or above of what’s really happening. 

(28:30):
And that really helps with the practice of self-observation. So when you’re feeling like you’re upset or angry or frustrated, irritated, disappointed, any of those negative feelings, as long as you can notice that you’re feeling that, and just even for a few moments, step out of that feeling, just say to yourself, “Oh, I’m feeling disappointed. I’m feeling sad,” or, “I’m feeling irritated. Why is that?” And ask yourself that question, then you can apply… As long as you can get to that stage, where you’re not completely engulfed by that feeling, as long as you can get to that stage where you can observe yourself for a few moments, then you can apply the internal conflict model and you can decipher, like, “Why am I feeling like this? Which of my expectations did reality not meet? Where is that internal conflict?” right. 

(29:26):
So once you apply that, you can find out where was that expectation and that will provide some insight into why you’re feeling that way, and also maybe what to do. How can you feel less anxiety? Remember, there’s always two ways. You can either take control of the situation, of everything, and make reality bend to your expectations and make it happen, make your expectations happen, or maybe you’ll realize that those expectations, they’re just not possible to meet right now, and in order to feel better… You can’t do anything about reality as it is, in that moment. In order to just feel better, you can drop those expectations and accept that reality is what it is, in that moment. 

(30:12):
And then, at the very least, you still can’t change anything, but at the very least, you’re not going to be feeling bad. You’re not going to be feeling sad for a whole few hours, or day, or weeks, or months, or… You’re not going to be feeling frustrated, irritated. So it will save you time. It will save you energy and time, and then you can enjoy life. You can still enjoy life by just accepting reality. You can also apply that to situations where you feel positive emotions, like excitement, but in most cases, we get so carried away and it’s not so crucial. It’s not a detrimental thing to feel excited. We don’t focus on those things.

(30:49):
Even though, if you want to go down the path, as I understand it, even if you want to go down the path, or if I wanted to go down the path of a Buddhist monk, I would need to address both equally, whether I’m feeling sad, I need to look into what is my expectation of life and why am I feeling sad. What is that expectation? What’s not meeting my expectation? How is the life not meeting my expectation? But if I’m feeling excited, I will also look into that. I would also need to look into that and understand why am I feeling excited? What is my expectation of life, and where is life exceeding my expectation? Why do I have this expectation? 

(31:25):
Because expectations, even though they’re the ones that lead to positive outcomes, they’re still expectations, and expectations are never good. Expectations mean there’s desire, mean there’s some attachment, mean that there is no freedom, ultimate freedom for the mind, for the self. But that’s a much deeper thing that I haven’t explored much yet, so I’m not in a place to comment on that. Just my idea is that, my impression of this internal conflict model is that it can really help in situations, at the very least. You don’t want to take it to the full extreme and apply it all the time in situations where you’re feeling happy or sad. Even at least knowing it and applying it when you’re feeling bad emotions, it can help get over them faster. It can help see what is behind those emotions and I think that’s very powerful. I hope you enjoyed this insight and that maybe it will bring you some benefit and you can apply this in your own life. And I look forward to seeing you back here next time until then, happy analyzing.