SDS 414: Needs vs. Wants

(00:15):
There’s a fine line between being selfish and neglecting yourself. How do you know if something you’re about to do or something you have done is an act of completely neglecting yourself, or on the other hand, it’s an act of being utterly selfish? And both of these extremes cause pain, whether we are completely just taking care of others, thinking about others all the time and forgetting about ourselves, and then we’re going to build up resentment towards other people that we’re taking care of. On the other hand, if we’re constantly being selfish and thinking only about ourselves, then we will lose meaning and we will build up resentment towards ourselves because on the deep down level, we’ll understand, we’ll know, we always know if we’re being selfish. We’ll feel it. 

(01:09):
And some of us are either stuck in one of these extremes or in the other, or sometimes we hustle between them. So sometimes you’re very selfish and then you decide, “Okay, it’s time to do things for others.” You throw yourself at helping other people. You forget about yourself for some time and it causes you to build up resentment towards them. Then you decide, “okay, enough of that, I’m going to be selfish and I’m going to take care of myself,” and you’re back in that same pattern. 

(01:35):
So how do we find this balance between the two? And I was fortunate in the past few weeks to learn something that potentially answers this question. And that’s why I’m recording this audio to share this learning. And maybe you will find it useful too. This is something I’m exploring. I’m not a master at this at all in any way, but I’m seeing that this new learning is quite useful to me. And so what I have been exploring over the past few weeks or what I learned, and I’m trying to explore, focusing on seeing this in my life is about separating on the one hand, my needs, and on the other hand, my wants, desires and wishes. And then it’s all about prioritizing my needs above everything else and everybody else as brutal as that may sound, but that’s the case. And then deprioritizing my wants, wishes and desires and putting them at the very bottom of things, of other people, of my responsibilities and things like that. 

(02:44):
So how can we look at this? Well, let’s start with a couple of examples. We’ll start with an abstract example, but it will help illustrate the point. So let’s say you’re at the car store and you’re buying a car. You could go and buy a really fancy, cool-looking, fabulous, beautiful, expensive chick car. I don’t know. Maybe if that’s your thing, maybe a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or something super cool. Or you could buy just a car that does the job, like a Toyota Corolla or something like that, which is a good car, it’s reliable, nice, good car, but it’s not fancy. So the question to ask yourself there is, “Do I really need a Ferrari? What do I really need? Or is it my want, wish and desire? Do I really need a Ferrari? Or what is it that I need?” 

(03:46):
Well, in this case, the answer might be different depending on the circumstance, the situation, but likely the answer would be something along the lines of, “I need to get from A to B. That’s what this car is for.” Well, in that case, it’s very clear what is the need and what is the wish, want and desire. And if following this framework, you prioritize your needs. You really do need to get from A to B. Maybe you don’t even need to get from A to B. Maybe you can use a bus, right? Maybe you can walk, but if you really need, like it’s quite a distance, or maybe it’s cold outside, then buying the Corolla is following your needs. Buying the Ferrari is following your wishes, wants and desires. 

(04:22):
Let’s look at a couple more day-to-day examples. For instance, today I woke up and I woke up quite late around maybe I think 07:00, maybe 07:30 or 08:00. And then I felt like I should stay in bed longer. And I could’ve felt guilty about it and hated myself. But later actually, I thought about like, “Is this something I need, or is this something I want, wish and desire?” And I felt it was something I needed. I felt that the previous day I woke up at like… You don’t have to explain it to yourself. You don’t have to rationalize it. You usually just feel if it’s a need or a want, wish or desire. But if you want to, you can also rationalize it to see how it all works. 

(05:07):
For me, I knew that the previous day I woke up at like quarter past 05:00, and then I was up all day. I didn’t have any naps or much downtime. So I knew that my body just needs this and it’s a basic need. So I prioritized that and I stayed in bed and now I feel good. And so that was an example of a need. In some cases, staying in bed longer is a wish, want or a desire. And then it shouldn’t be prioritized according to this philosophy. 

(05:37):
Another example is, let’s say I’m discussing with somebody like my brother or my girlfriend or my mom, I’m discussing which documentary should we watch. Right? So they want to watch documentary A, I want to watch documentary B. So a question I should ask myself, “Is this my need? Do I need to watch this specific documentary, documentary B right now today? Or is it just something I’m wishing for and wanting and desire?” It’s a great example because it includes other people and if it’s something you feel you need, which could be the case, maybe you just feel that you need this information, or you need this documentary. It’s important to you in this moment of your life, or today is the day for some reason that you need to watch it. That’s totally fine. Then you should prioritize that and kindly, compassionately explain this to the other person and why you need. Well, in this case, I would explain it to the other person why I need it. 

(06:42):
On the other hand, if it’s something that I don’t feel I need, it’s just a desire I have, then okay, that’s good that I have this desire. It’s good I’m aware of it, but maybe the other person needs to watch their documentary. Maybe the other person just wants to watch the documentary. So in that case, I deprioritize my wants, wishes, and desires, put them at the bottom and I prioritize the other person’s needs. Or even if it’s just a wish of theirs, I prioritize that because that relationship is important to me. And I don’t need to have these wishes, wants and desires. They don’t need to take priority. They can come later or not come at all. 

(07:20):
Another example is, let’s say you had a fight with somebody like, if you’re with your significant other. Not a fight, like an argument, and you need to resolve that. You need to clear the air, you need to discuss it. And they want to talk about it. They approach and say, “Hey, can we clear it up? Let’s talk about it.” But you feel that you need to be alone right now and to reflect on that. You actually feel not that you want that, or that’s a desire or a wish, but that’s a physical, psychological, emotional need that you have. You just need some time alone to process that, to understand, to cool down, or whatever else it is. So then you should prioritize that even though the relationship is important to you, even though you want to be there for them, but this is one of those times when you can completely go about your life and neglect yourself too much, or all the time, or just neglect yourself. And then you will feel resentment. You will feel burnout. 

(08:26):
So in this case, if you feel you need to need some time to cool off, just explaining that and saying it in a kind way that, “Hey, look, I really want us to want to resolve this and have closure and get to the bottom of it. But right now I really feel, I need some time to relax.” And then you go and you do that. Not relax, like some time to get myself together or some time to reflect on this. I need to be alone for some time. And then you go and you do that. And then when you’re ready, then you have that conversation. 

(08:57):
Another example is about the things we say. Equally, like things we do, they could come from a place of a need to say, or from a place of wish, want and desire to say. For instance, let’s say somebody comes to us and says, “Hey, how’s your new job?” Or not your new job. “How’s your job?” How’s your existing job? “How’s your job, how’s work?” And we could reply, “Fantastic. I just got a promotion.” So, that’s a statement of fact. And that’s absolutely necessarily. You feel you needed to say that to continue the conversation. That was necessary at the time, or that was needed to be said. 

(09:41):
On the other hand, we could go ahead and say something like, “Fantastic. Just got a promotion. Now I’m earning in the six-figure salary range.” Was that necessary? Why did we say that? Was it necessary to really convey that information? Was it a need or was it a wish, want or desire? Do we want that person to be impressed? Do we want to feel important? Do we want to feel significant? And as you can see, the first option is not going to trigger any response, any kind of suspicion, any kind of sour feeling for the other person because it’s just you following what you need to say. 

(10:28):
On the second case, when we’re saying something that we don’t really need to say that there’s an underlying wish, want or desire, in this case, it’s a wish to feel significant, a wish to feel important, a wish to impress, it’s going to leave a sour aftertaste. We all know that. We all know when we’ve heard people boasting about their salaries or other things, it doesn’t feel really nice on the receiving end. Just an example of how following your needs leads to a more harmonious life than following your wishes, wants and desires.

(11:00):
Another example is having a meal. Do I really need to go and eat at McDonald’s or at Domino’s or some other place like a fast food chain? Or is what I need actually just nutritious food right now? What does my body need? Well, maybe I can cook a meal or maybe I can have some healthy option of food. So what is the need behind this? And again, it’s okay if it’s a wish, want or a desire. The thing here is that we’re not Buddhist monks. It doesn’t mean we have to always put aside our wishes, wants and desires and never follow them. That’s an extreme, and again, that would cause resentment. And it takes time to become like a Buddhist monk, if that’s the goal. But at least being aware of what am I following? Am I following a wish, want or desire? Am I doing it? And then consciously deciding, okay, right now, I know it’s not something I need, but I’m going to prioritize that because that’s what I want to do, or that’s my choice, like making these choices consciously. 

(12:14):
And what do we accomplish in the end if we more and more often are aware of these things, and awareness is the first step to bring about this change and about following our true needs, rather than wishes, wants, and desires? What happens in that case? Well, if we do that, then we are slowly recognizing when we’re acting out of ego, because our ego is what brings these wishes, wants and desires. Our body, our mind, our consciousness, we have needs that need to be respected, but our ego has wants, wishes and desires. And those usually bring about pain and fear and suffering into our lives. So if we slowly become more and more aware of this, again, it doesn’t have to happen overnight, but if this is something we choose and we slowly become more and more aware of these things, then slowly we can reduce our ego and thereby reduce the suffering and pain that we have in our lives and have a more harmonious life. 

(13:22):
So there we go. I hope you enjoyed this FiveMinuteFriday and if you wish to, you’ll be able to put some of these things in practice. And I look forward to seeing you back here next time. Until then happy analyzing.