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This is FiveMinuteFriday, Communicate Your Needs.
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Today I learned a very valuable insight for myself, for the second time. So this is something I had learned previously, several months ago, but because I didn’t put it into practice and didn’t focus on it, it kind of just faded away, and I forgot it and started making the same mistake again. And this is about communicating with people, and specifically communicating my needs.
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So the story goes as follows. My girlfriend and I, we’re different in the sense that I am an introvert and she is more of an extrovert, and thereby we have different expectations, or different needs. More importantly, we have different needs about human communication. And then so happens that right now we’re in different countries, and it’s a choice when we talk to each other and how much, how often, how we communicate with each other. And my default is that it’s obvious to me that people need time alone, that people need time to recharge, time by themselves. Her default, on the other hand, is that people need communication. People need to be in touch in order to recharge.
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And that is just a difference in personalities, that one of us is an introvert, and for me, that’s how I recharge by myself, and for her, she’s an extrovert, the way she recharges is by connecting, by being in touch. And as you can imagine, if that is not communicated properly, and not just one off, but on an ongoing basis, if this is not aligned, there will be conflict. There will be misunderstandings. And so I realize for myself, as I mention for the second time, that I need to communicate, I can’t just assume that everybody in the world knows that being by yourself, or having some time to recharge, having an evening or even a whole day without texting or calling each other, is necessary for, for instance, for my wellbeing,
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I cannot assume that everybody in the world understands that, but I do. I assume, “Well, that’s the default for everybody, everybody knows that.” So I get confused when, for instance, if she messages me and I’m expecting that I’m just going to have an evening to myself, or the other way around. If she is expecting that we communicate and I don’t communicate, then that can also lead her to be to being surprised. But what I’m responsible for is my side of the communications, that I need to communicate my needs. Each one of us on earth is responsible for communicating our needs to other people.
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And so it’s much easier if I can be just open and vulnerable and say something along the lines of, “I hope you’re having a great day, I just wanted to let you know that I really love you and I miss you, but for the rest of today, I want to take some time off by myself and be with myself and just recharge.” There’s nothing wrong with it, it is vulnerable to say that, to be open about that, but that is important. Being vulnerable in the relationship is important.
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And so, yeah. So the takeaway here is that not assuming that everybody is exactly like you, and everybody has the same needs. And this goes not for just needs about communication, this goes for needs about pretty much any activity or anything you’re doing. For instance, watching movies, what needs do you have around that? Maybe you have a need of watching one movie per week, or maybe you have a need together, or maybe have a need for watching five movies per week, or maybe you have a need for going outdoors more frequently and your partner doesn’t, or maybe have a need for giving gifts or receiving gifts, and your partner just doesn’t have that need. Maybe have a need for spending time together. Not just communicating over call or text, but actually physically spending time together.
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Or you might have a need for spending time apart. You might have a need for spending time with friends, you might have a need for specific types of food you eat. You might have a need for how often and how you have sex, and those are all individual needs and preferences that need to be communicated to a partner and not assumed. So basically the rule I’ve derived for myself is I don’t assume that… first of all, assume that nothing is obvious, A, and B, that nobody’s a mind reader. If you assume those things then it will be much easier to understand, or see, where is conflict, or where are misunderstandings coming from?
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So next time you are confused, or even angry about somebody not giving you space, or not having the same expectations as you are about how you’re going to be spending an evening, or what you’re going to be doing, or the form in which you communicate, or how you interact with friends. Whatever it is, next time you’re confused or angry about it, just look at these assumptions. Are you assuming that something is obvious about how you want the world to be, or what you need? And B, are you expecting the other person, even if it’s not obvious for the whole world, even if you know this is not an obvious thing, are you expecting the other person to be reading your mind and to be guessing what are your needs, wants, desires right now?
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The easiest solution is to just communicate them. Just to recap this, I’m not an expert on any of this myself, I’m learning myself. It’s just something that I came across today and I thought I’d share because it’s an important aspect that, we all want to have left less conflict in the world, and I think if we communicate with each other better, that will make the world a better place.
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On that note, I wish you a fantastic weekend, and if a situation comes across when you can apply this, that would be a great, great addition, perhaps, to maybe make your weekend even smoother. And I look forward to seeing you back here next time. Until then, happy analyzing.
